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Inanities

HOLIDAY CHEER

by Nancy Rechtman

In the spirit of the season, and because we are all in need of a good laugh these days, my gift to my loyal readers is the re-working of several favorite holiday tunes. Happy holidays to one and all.

DECK THE MALLS
(to the tune of "Deck the Halls")

Deck the malls with frenzied shopping
Falalalalalalalala
Pretty soon they'll all be dropping
Falalalalalalalala
Watch them all get mad and grumpy
Bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah bah.
Too much caffeine made them jumpy
Nanananananananana

The lines are snaking out the store
Falalalalalalalala
The money's gone, it's there no more
Aahaahaahaahaahaahaahaahaah.
Take my card please, I've got credit
Nanananananananana
Oh I'm maxed out, you just said it
Tatatatatatatatata


I HAD A LITTLE PARTY
(to the tune of "The Dreidel Song")

I had a little party
I planned for it all day
And when I got too tired
I phoned the deli for a tray.

Oh deli deli deli
Please don't let me down
Your food is so delicious
Do you deliver across town?

The guests arrived too early
The office clown got drunk
He groped the new assistant
Then said the party really stunk.

Oh deli deli deli
Please don't let me down
Your food is so delicious
Do you deliver across town?

My house remains in shambles
I broke up with my date
The only silver lining
The food was really great.

Oh deli deli deli
You didn't let me down
Your food was so delicious
You delivered across town!


LISTS ARE SPREAD ACROSS AN OPEN TABLE
(to the tune of "The Christmas Song" - 'Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire')

Lists are spread across an open table
Guilt is knocking at the door
Cards and envelopes remain unaddressed
You've no idea who they are even for.

Everybody knows that you love to procrastinate
Too swamped to get to things on time
Thanksgiving décor remains all over the house
And Halloween's still on your mind.

You know your family is on their way
They're bringing gifts and food and don't think your life's OK
And you're a little child still in their eyes
Throughout the house you only hear your mother's sighs.

And so I'm offering a simple plan
For those who cannot see their floors
Clear it all out, to some closet or room
Then just close all, yes just close all, please just close all the doors.

Please let me know your reactions to these columns as I would enjoy hearing what bugs you, too. You can reach me at nancy@nancyrechtman.com.


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Copyright Nancy Machlis Rechtman, all rights reserved. Small excerpts of the column may be republished as long as appropriate credit is given. To request permission to publish larger portions or the entire column, e-mail nancy@nancyrechtman.com.